Have you ever wondered why am I settling for this?
Maybe you’re familiar with settling for a position that’s not paying you well or settling into a relationship that’s draining you and not developing you? How about settling for a life that doesn’t fit you?
Either way, settling doesn’t feel good.
The other day, after coaching the Inner Circle ladies, one of the women hit me with a question that reminded me of when “settling” became a real thing that I had to face in my life.
This was the question…
What was the turning point in your life that caused you to realize that you needed to #GetEngaged with yourself? -Adrianne, Inner Circle
The first answer or thought that popped into my mind was “when I realized I was settling for a life I could no longer live.” But, my answer to that question is a little more involved than this.
Truth is, I was so ingrained in the motion of my life and so hellbent on getting what I wanted, the relationhsip, house, financial security, I was blind to the fact that I was actually settling for a lifestyle I thought would bring me the most happiness. In my book, #GetEngaged with Yourself and Win! 12 Keys to Unlocking the Life & Love You Desire, I write about how I never once considered…
What if this life that I was so determined and driven to create doesn’t work out?
Well, the life I was trying to create for me (and my family) didn’t work, but it took years of forcing and pushing to realize things were seriously off. Do you know what it’s like to be so desperate or determined that you can’t see anything else but your goals?
In an article titled, 5 Signs You’re Settling For Less Than You Deserve, Iyanla Vanzant writes about how people “do things they’ve grown accustomed to doing.” Like robots, some of us repeat what’s been programed in us from our environment and upbringing.
In order for me to stop settling, to stop forcing myself to live a life that I wasn’t meant to live, I had to admit a few things before I could get to a place of understanding that I had to #GetEngaged with myself and with God.
Here are a few things that I had to admit, which helped me move away from settling and shift towards engaging myself and God more, so I could discover and live a life best suited for me. I’ve also included 3 questions (really 6) for you to engage that will help you avoid settling in your own life.
1. I had to admit that I wasn’t okay (or happy).
My plans, my best shot at creating a good life for me didn’t give me the results I thought. I worked hard to have my daughter in the best school possible, to have the dream house and I was doing my best to make my romantic relationship work, but in all of my DOING true happiness was evading me.
Hindsight being 20/20, I really worked hard to have a picture of what I thought the perfect life for me would be. I set my mind, intentions and willpower on achieving what I wanted. It all happened for me too, actually faster than I dreamed it would. I had to have those successes, so I could see…
All was not well in Kansas.
“For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” -Mark 8:36 KJV
Nothing against having the dream house, career and child enrolled in private school. I most certainly learned valuable lessons, but in all my gaining I was losing what mattered most to me: connectedness, love and having a solid, healthy relationship with my daughter. And, that I didn’t have.
Question #1: What do you want? What’s the motivation for wanting what you want?
2. I had to admit that I was lost.
I know you know this, but settling isn’t just attached to relationships. You can settle to live a life off the mark for your life, which will impact your entire life, including your love life.
As mentioned, I reached a pinnacle in my life, yet I sat up on that mountaintop experience dumbfounded. Where was the euphoria and satisfaction? Why was I so sad? What step did I need to take next to course correct my life?
I couldn’t hide how unfulfilled I was in my nice career and house. I needed help and reliable direction.
At that time, I had been visiting a church in Philadelphia. Deep down, I doubted God’s ability to hear me and help me. It was my first “church” experience, I wasn’t even sure about God. I also didn’t fully know what I was looking for. However, I did know I couldn’t settle for where I was at.
I took a risk. I cried out to God in desperation to save me from the void I was feeling.
Question #2: What are you NOT willing to settle for? What risk will you take to get one step closer to love, freedom, peace, healing or whatever that thing is?
3. I had to admit that I didn’t (and don’t) know ALL that’s best for me.
Back then, when I was pushing 30 years old, you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t winning.
I thought I was so engaged with my life, but I was more so engaged with the steps I needed to take to get me to that “picture perfect” life I created in my mind. I didn’t know I was settling for less until my plans produced a harvest of emptiness and confusion.
This Jim Carrey quote reminds me of how I felt back then…
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
No, I wasn’t rich and famous, but I had achieved everything I dreamed of up to that point in my life and I could see, it wasn’t the answer.
My life’s journey up to that point helped me to see that I’m incapable of knowing all that’s best for me or else I would’ve been satisfied and at peace with where my efforts led me.
I had to admit, and I still have to remind myself that I don’t have the wherewithal to lead myself to God’s best for me. This Scripture helps me when I try to take on too much control:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV
Question #3: Based on who you know yourself to be, what do you believe is best for you right now? Who can help you confirm and move towards what’s best?
Did this article provide you with some solace or a gem or two? If so, let us know. Comment below.
With Love + Purpose,
P.S. If you’re ready to get over the distractions of the past, and get positioned for who and what God has for you, One-on-One coaching could be for you, CLICK HERE to apply.