When was the last time you had a healthy romantic relationship?
Okay, I’ll drop the word healthy.
When was the last time you had a romantic relationship? ____ weeks ago? ____ months ago? ____ years ago?
I ask the question, not to make you feel insecure or uncomfortable, but to hopefully spark a light within.
Really, it just dawned on me that I haven’t been in a committed relationship in several years. Okay, it didn’t dawn on me. Recently, I was told by my ex, who took it upon himself to remind me of the exact date. I was like, really, –gosh several years, that’s a long time?!
Now, please know, I also wasn’t “fully” single during those several years either. I was having romantic interludes and get-to-knows here and there. I was also holding onto fragments of men that were physically miles away, but spiritually taking up space in my mind, heart and soul.
I didn’t grow into my singleness “for real, for real” until I surrendered the need to hold onto remnants of men, and grabbed ahold to getting to know myself and God. God was calling me to take time to #GetEngaged with myself first before I could be the wife that my husband needs. Click here, to read about my self-engagement journey.
Do you agree or disagree with Shannon L. Alder’s quote?
Think about it. Do you think your romantic relationship failed in the past because you were trying to get someone to fall in love with the YOU that you’ve yet to discover?
Well, I can answer this question now, but I had to first ask myself a tough question:
Why was I settling for dead interactions with men in the first place?
Well, I held onto or still had ties with unsuitable (for me) and unattached men because…
1. I wasn’t fully conscious of what I was doing. I thought a text message here or there, a quick bite to eat or a stroll in the park was harmless, right? Well, I’ve learned, investing too much time into someone that doesn’t want what you want is futile. It takes good energy away from purposeful endeavors.
2. I thought having bits and pieces of interaction with men made me more of a woman.
3. I was afraid to just be with myself and God. Yeah, “seek ye first” sounds great from Matthew 6:33, but WHO would I become if I fell back and enjoyed life truly on my own, manless –-with God?
Now, before your feathers get tied up in a bunch, I was recently challenged by some of my sister-friends. In a nutshell, I was repeatedly asked, how much self-perfecting work does a woman have to do before Mr. Right, says “I do, with you?!’
I don’t believe any woman should play fixHERSELFup to appease or attract a man.
In the long run, it won’t be sustainable. I do believe that as women become more engaged with the fullness (abundance) of their life, perceived lacks don’t dominate the mind.
When Jesus said, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10) Full life is real and possible for us to experience, now.
Please know, my mission, my heart is not to make any woman feel bad about who she is or to encourage some impossible self-perfecting journey.
My mission, my heart is to present a wonderful option for women, who have yet to #GetEngaged with their essence as a woman, who have yet to understand how much they are affirmed and loved by God, and who have yet to tap into their unique vocational purpose to break through to how abundant this life can be, with or without the “I do!”
Now –Ladies, I desire the “I do!” too, but I’m so grateful I got tired of entertaining men who were total mismatches for me and my vocational purpose.
Now, I’m seriously doing me; 3 years “for real, for real” single, and 1 year without any dating.
Whew!!! It’s a wild lifestyle, lol, but I’m thriving and excited about becoming one with the man that honors all I am as a woman, which requires much patience and prayer.
You don’t have to follow my blueprint, but maybe, just maybe you may need some quality time with you and God to behold how “fearfully and wonderfully made” you truly are (Psalm 139:14).
Now, you may not shout with me on these 4 signs that you’re not quite ready for a romantic relationship, but I believe you’ll at least give me a silent nod or half-wink. Ha! Enjoy…
4 Signs You’re Not Ready for a Romantic Relationship:
1. You’ve fallen head over heals in love with the past few guys you dated. I hate to break it to you, but it’s impossible! And my sister, you may be more in love with the idea of being in love -than love itself. Blogger, Annie Oudom writes about her experience of being in love with the idea of love:
“Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first relationship that I allowed myself to get lost in. So how in the world did this happen to me? Again?”
2. You don’t have a good sense of who you are and who you’re not as an individual. Basically, you unconsciously or consciously are a chameleon in relationships. In the movie, “Coming to America,” yes I’m dating myself, Eddie Murphy asks a prospective wife, “What do you like?” and she responded, “Whatever you like!”
It’s a funny scene, but’s it’s no laughing matter and points to a lack of self-identity, which makes it difficult to know who’s compatible or suitable for you.
3. You don’t like your own company. This is a serious matter and you must figure out why “you’re just not that into yourself?!” I know the book, “He’s just not that into you.” But, there are too many women that aren’t into themselves, which comes across to others, especially in a romantic relationship. I always thought I was a cool woman to be around, but I had to really learn how to chill in my own company, which was a hard, gradual, yet fulfilling process.
4. You flipflop with your faith (what you believe and know to be true about God), depending on who you’re dating. Denying or watering down your love for God to be accepted by “man” is an example of not honoring all of who you are as a woman. Been there –lived that! You like him, so you’re willing to force compatibility?!
Don’t push God to the side to form a relationship, you know will need God in the long run to sustain.
If you’d like to learn how to just be, build your faith in God (Psalm 37:4) and get serious about your own #GetEngaged journey, definitely add your name to my email list to receive a free copy of “The Busy Woman’s Cheat Sheet to Staying Spiritually Strong” to help you stay on the right track.
There’s no shame in not being ready for a romantic relationship. I hope you can see these 4 Signs as a wonderful challenge to #GetEngaged with you before you attempt to fully engage another.
Now, out of the 4 Signs, which one(s) do you agree with? What would you like to challenge or add to the list? Can’t wait to hear from you and please share this with all the singles you know.
P.S. My new book, #GetEngaged with Yourself & Win! 12 Keys to Unlocking the Life & Love You Desire addresses additional ways in which a romantic relationship can shift in priority depending on your life’s purpose. Click here to get your copy.