I’m fired up, and overwhelmed with joy because I can sense God’s arms are wide open, beckoning single women to run to Him for the unconditional love they crave, and to be cautious about running into the arms of the wrong men for approval or affirmation.
But, do Christian single women trust the author of love to love us and lead us?
From my experiences as an African American single woman, coaching and serving single women for the past five years and listening to the heart’s of single women via social media, there’s a great deal of angst surrounding singleness, dating and the possibility of marriage.
The worries and fears OR peace and confidence that exists within a single woman’s heart WILL influence the type of man she entertains, and eventually dates or marries, or if she settles.
Dr. Deepak Reju, Pastor of biblical counseling and family ministry at Capitol Hill Baptist Church (Washington, DC), in his profound article, on why women settle for the wrong guy, he wrote:
It’s important to “look into the war going on in a woman’s heart” to find the deeper issues that need to be addressed.
The Bible is clear, the heart “determines the course of your life” (Proverbs 4:23). Your heart is your inner man, and it determines where your affections go. Simply put, your heart will govern your actions, thoughts, speech, and overall life.
If you allow the wrong men or things into your heart, you run the risk of your life being turned upside down and the fulfillment of your purpose being delayed or aborted.
We all know the woman who’s determined to date the “Christian” guy, whose actions are anti-christ like, or settles for the attractive guy with charisma, but he has no intention on waiting to have sex or honoring God. Maybe you’re the one who hasn’t been convinced that forgoing sex until marriage will bear good fruit in you your life?
Either way, there’s an urgency for single women to be wiser in how we manage our temples, and who we allow to gain access to our hearts.
Why the urgency? Because prayer without obedience won’t produce the blessings you’re praying for. Plus, the quality of your relationships, the richness of your life experiences and your overall fruitfulness is at stake (John 15:5).
Therefore, God wants single women to be attentive…
Not tuned outward, but tuned inward, “getting engaged” with who you are and who God is, matters.
Are you attending to the welfare of your being and nurturing your relationship with God?
You are responsible for your emotional, physical and spiritual health. Your overall wellness begets good decision making. It can determine whether or not you’ll accept a love that flourishes overtime or a short term fiery passion with no purpose. Think about it, would you knowingly entrust your “healthy” self and heart to an “unhealthy” man?
Healthy love requires attending to you and a healthy level of attention to the right voices.
“Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.” -Proverbs 3:8 MSG
God wants single women to be alert…
Not aloof, overlooking red flags, but sober minded, so you’ll be keenly aware of when you’re approached by a wolf or a man. A man of God has reverence for God and a heart for you, a wolf has a heart to conquer you and your body.
There’s a difference. One makes you feel capable and refreshed, the other makes you feel insecure and dirty.
Have you ever overlooked a red flag, thinking it wasn’t a big deal, maybe your desire got the best of you? Know this, the enemy will have you thinking you’re strong enough to entertain or tame a wolf. Don’t be fooled, a wolf is cunning and will go to extreme lengths for a conquest, then disappear on you. Be alert!
“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour…” -1 Peter 5:8
God wants single women to be secure…
Not being misled by your emotions or insecurities. Overtime, God wants your assurance in Christ to be so strong and resolute, that grasping for attention and affirmation from the wrong people will be a pastime.
In her ebook, Hope for the Woman with Father Wounds, Kia Nicole Stephens encourages unmarried women, who desire marriage, to “practice going to God to get their unmet desires met, prior to marriage.” Although she’s been married for 14+ years, Kia believes leaning on God beforehand would’ve benefited her and the marriage.
See, God wants your heart to be safe and secure in Him and His ability to fill any longing you have. God is trying to protect you from being disgraced and disregarded by those who are unsafe and unstable. Seeking Him first, will fulfill us in ways an a man is not equipped to do.
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” – Matthew 6:33 KJV
God wants single women to be radiant…
Not emotionally, mentally or spiritually dehydrated from your thirst for a relationship or marriage.
There’s a natural glow up that God wants his daughters to radiate from within. When you’re meditating on the Scriptures, seeking wise counsel and being deeply loved by God and a community of believers (family and friends too), you will be refreshed from the inside out.
“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” -Psalm 34:4 NIV
Not only will you see the light, but others will see the light within you.
Will I ever meet my match? Am I undateable? When will I attract the one who desires marriage and children, with me?
These kind of questions will begin to fade or lose a hold on you, when you practice going to God for your unmet needs –and when you’re mindful about avoiding missteps that lead to unnecessary headache and heartache (Proverbs 14:12).
Here are 5 Critical Missteps Single Women Make, and How to Avoid Them
- Dating without wise counsel. I know being open about one’s love interests can be a challenge for some women, especially black women, but to date in isolation, is unwise. The great guy in your eyes, could be a wolf. You need a trusted community, who loves you, to help you see what you can’t see.
- Being unwilling to self-reflect (or ask for help). Maybe you’re not good at dating or you have no idea why undesirable men are drawn to you? The critical misstep here is blaming the men and not being self-reflective. Look at why you attract or are attracted to the married or untrustworthy guys? It’s nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It’s about noticing yourself and your themes, so you can adjust and grow.
- Being driven by doing vs. being. I call it the ‘I Gotta Do More Syndrome’: Which is having an inherent belief that “works” –your sex, your cooking, your wardrobe, and your achievements will win a man over and make you a wife. When you do gain a man this way, you have to keep it up after the marriage. It’s better to gradually reveal who you truly are as the relationship grows and trust is developed.
- Moving too fast. When you first meet someone, and you move too quickly, it’s hard to determine if you’re growing a real liking or false attachment to the person. Take your time to get to learn who he is in different contexts. Time reveals truth.
- Fantasizing too soon. Stay in reality! Don’t gloss over his flaws or silence your intuition. Pay attention to who he is and how he makes you feel. If your aim is to meet quality men and eventually marry a man of quality, focus now, fantasize later!
I enjoyed writing this article! Did it inspire you in anyway as a single woman? Let’s talk about it, add your comments or questions below.
With Love + Purpose,
P.S. Single women, would you like to get the tools to deal with the real-life fears and temptations related to dating? Are you ready to get your heart and mind ready to sustain a quality relationship? I invite you to join the next Inner Circle Intensive running from 12/2 – 12/20. Click here for registration details!