Why don’t older women school younger women on what to do after a breakup?
Maybe you had an auntie or older sister who schooled you on how to date or what to do in a relationship, but how about what you should or shouldn’t do after the relationship ends?
Did you have a woman or anyone in your life helping you navigate your emotions after your first breakup or maybe how to weather the storm of a really bad breakup???
Well, I didn’t.
I wasn’t given the do’s and don’ts roadmap on dating and relationships. I learned by watching the women around me, and the way I processed what I was seeing wasn’t always correct.
I basically had to go through the school of hard knocks. Thankfully, I eventually graduated. But, the tests and trials over the years hasn’t been pretty. Now, I’m learning some new ways to engage the opposite sex and what to do in the meantime, while I’m waiting to be married.
Process. Process. Process.
Here’s what I can say: one word could’ve saved me a lot of emotional, physical and spiritual trauma in the dating game.
That word is PAUSE.
Breakups aren’t easy! Even the most caring and positive breakup is challenging to accept and push past.
Whether you’ve been single for years or are newly single, you don’t have to rush yourself to do anything your mind, soul and heart isn’t ready to do. You can pause. Moving too hastily has the potential to add more emotional, physical or spiritual baggage to your life. Baggage, I’m sure you could do without.
Desire without knowledge is not good– how much more will hasty feet miss the way! ~Proverbs 19:2 NIV
When I reflect on my dating history and the major breakups of my life, I strongly urge you to consider…
7 Things to Avoid Doing After a Breakup:
1. Don’t be on the prowl. To prowl is to search for prey. You know how we do ladies, sneakily plotting to meet someone at such-n-such’s wedding or at the next networking event. You don’t have to anxiously be on the lookout for him. He’ll find you, because he’s looking for you.
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” ~Proverbs 18:22 NIV
2. Don’t fall in love! Again. Well, if you’ve never in your adult life ‘not’ been in love, don’t rush yourself to be “in love” again. Give yourself a “dating seriously” or a relationship break. In your single time, take the time to #GetEngaged with yourself. I’m confident you’ll discover some incredibly attractive and valuable things about yourself that’ll help you choose your new beau from a place of clarity and peace.
Recently, a friend told me to build with another “from a place of power and not vulnerability.”
3. Don’t pretend to be over it, when you’re not. Whether your breakup was good or bad, it’s a loss and most losses in life result in some form of grief. Be honest with yourself. Missing the person you’re no longer with is normal. Mourn the loss. Don’t force yourself to not feel the pain or sadness. Let yourself grieve. Here’s a good article that breaks down the 5 stages of grief.
4. Don’t revert to sex as the answer. Yes, I know, I’m a Christian and this is a faith-based platform, and I also know women of faith who read my blogs, but women of faith are having sex. And, some women of faith are having sex without any conviction. ZERO JUDGMENT! When my relationship ended with my daughter’s father, instead of admitting to myself how hurt I was, I tried to move on by having meaningless, senseless sex. No, I wasn’t hopping from bed to bed to bed, but I was trying to find my daughter’s father in other guys. See, the person you’re no longer with is a one-of-a-kind and you must face the death of that relationship. Have a funeral for the loss. I’m serious. Then, free yourself to love again. What you don’t want is to haphazardly give your body away or find yourself looking for “him” in “them” –you know, dating the same guy over and over?! By the way, sex outside of marriage doesn’t wear well on your soul or your emotional life, be care-ful.
5. Don’t drag another soul into your mess! After your breakup, don’t recall all the “nice guys” you passed over and start random text convos with them. Leave those “nice guys” alone! If it’s meant for you to reconnect, you will.
6. Don’t demonize your ex. Here’s the thing, you dated him for some reason. Speaking ill of your ex doesn’t fair well for you. You also don’t want to let the negative aspects of the relationship tarry too long in your mind and life. This is one reason why true forgiveness is difficult for the average person. Meditating on what the other person did wrong won’t set you free. And, it keeps you and your ex spiritually bound.
7. Don’t swear off dating ever again?! Relationship hurt happens to the best of us. However, experiencing real love is worth the risk –again, and again (yeh, I’m a total love bug). Look, God created us to love and we are commanded to love authentically (Mark 12:33). No, not everyone feels compelled to marry or date, but if you are vowing to never date again because you were hurt, deceived, cheated on, lied to –sis–don’t go there! That good-good love is too great to be denied. Do you really want to turn your back on the love of your life? Go on a 90-day or 1 year man fast! Pause, regroup and get your mind right, CLICK HERE to sign up to receive the #GetEngaged Pledge tools (they’re free). Then when you can sincerely say, “I’m ready to get back into the dating game!” or “I’s a wife now!” –get back out there and welcome love in.
What do you think? Do any of these things to avoid speak to you? If you’re single and would like to learn the telltale signs of the Insecure vs. Secure woman or if you’d like to getup to speed on marriage readiness, join Christian Therapist, Sophia Avery, MA and I at the Out of the Box Retreat for Single Women on August 20-21, 2016. You’ll learn marriage readiness and how to be secure in your womanhood, so you can attract who’s best for you. You don’t want to miss this (early bird tickets are sold out), CLICK HERE to register.
Would you like to add to my don’t do’s list? Please add your what to AVOID after a breakup in the comment box below. And, share this with your friends. They need to know that a good PAUSE is cool, too.
Tiffany Wilson (aka TiffyTalks)
P.S. Can you help me out? I’m in the process of preparing something new and exciting for the Fall of 2016, and I need your feedback. CLICK HERE to fill out this quick survey. If you leave your email, I’ll be sure to send you a DISCOUNT CODE off a product or service too. Thanks much!